Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Yea, I suck at tittles. Though this should get a lot of hits ha.

I take some dance classes. Saturday was the last class until fall, so I was reminded of the first class of the spring.

So, the first class started on the first day of spring. The last few weeks of winter were awesome, it was around the 80’s. The first day of spring hits, and it frickin snows!

So I wake up at like 8 or 9, the class was at 11. I threw on some clothes to lounge around in and read some blogs. I kinda lost track of time, cause next thing I know it’s almost 10:30 and I needed to leave since snow and wasn’t exactly sure where the studio was.

So I grab my bag and run out the door. I get several blocks away and suddenly think to myself, “Huh, that’s weird. My boobs feel weird.” I put my hand on my boobs, and realize, I am not wearing a bra. SHIT.So I turn around and call the man and ask him to meet me in the driveway and bring a bra.

Luckily, the roads weren’t too bad, so I was able to race to the studio. I got there and had to pay. So I stayed bundled up and paid, then discreetly ask where the bathroom is, and slip into the bathroom to put it on. That could have been bad. Imagine I hadn’t noticed til I got there, then it would have been to late and would have had to dance without a bra.

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Monday, June 28, 2010


This weekend, we went out with some friends, had a couple of drinks. Which reminded me of one time in college.

My senior year, to celebrate finals being over, some friends and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner. There were probably about 10 of us there, I didn’t know everybody. The chick sitting on my left, ordered a lemon drop shot. She did her shot then had the shot glass sitting there. At some point, my friend’s daughter, who was probably about a year and a half old at the time decided to come sit on this girl’s lap. She saw the shot glass, and hey! Perfect kid size! She picked it up and licked the inside. The look on her face was priceless! She looked over at me, which I had nothing to do with that shot, and gave me a look like how dare you let me do that!

And for a stupid coworker:

One time I was at the copier, I made two copies of what I had. Before I had the chance to clear out the two or anything, Hen 2 came up to make a copy, put her paper in and pressed enter. She only wanted one copy, so when the second came out, she was baffled. She looked at me and laughed, ha ha that’s so weird it printed 2. Crazy. I just nodded and smiled, thinking yea…crazy…since that’s what you told it to print. Weird how machines do what we tell them to.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I have the smartest car evar

So, I have the smartest car ever. One day on the way home from work, I was listening to some mixed cd I had made. I
really paying attention to what was playing, so had no idea where it stopped when I got out. When I got in my car the next
morning to go to work, I turned on the engine and the first thing out of the speakers is “Man, I just hate stupid people.” I was
in absolute shock. My car knew I was going to work and be surrounded by stupid people! Amazing!
So the people I work with are useless and dumb, putting it nicely. And for the most part I can’t stand the stupid, it gives me headaches and I’m really bad at pretending to like them. So one morning, as I was driving to work, I got to thinking, if I’m nicer and talk to them more, then I will hear more of their stupidness that I can blog about. I’ve struck blogging gold! I’ve got a couple good stories, but first I will take a couple of posts to describe some of the players.
First off, we have the Hens. The Hens are a couple of ladies that are old enough to be my mom or grandma. They don’t like me because I am a younger woman and part of my job is to ask them question about their job. They get very defensive about this and glare at me all the time. So a while ago, an email was sent out saying email should only be for work business (duh), and nothing religious or political should be sent out through the work email. So basically, no more forwards. Well, Hen 1 continued to send forwards after this. When reminded of this she said, “I don’t send forwards. I copy and paste into a new email, so it’s not a forward.” *bangs head on desk*
I know that’s not much idiocy for this post, but i will have many many more posts.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I Should Probably Stay Away From Gardening….and Children

So, as I said before, all I have is a furbaby. Honestly, we’re too inappropriate to have a real baby.

Case and point: One time we were at Target looking at the outdoor furniture. I think it started with talk of our neighbor’s kids and how annoying they are. So I said that we should plant dildos in the front yard so they would be scared away and not play in it, or at the least the parents wouldn’t allow them to play near our yard again. We continued to walk around the store talking about these dildos, the section next to the patio furniture? Yea, kids toys. So we’re walking by still talking about dildos as we walk by families and kids. Nice, huh?

Conclusion: The children would probably steal the dildos and take them home to their moms. The mom’s would be shocked and take the dildos from the kids, and come yell at us for exposing their precious little angels to this evil. Then after yelling at us they would go home, lock themselves in their room, and enjoy. And I’m out of all those dildos I planted!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

It’s ok, He’s Just Sleeping

So, first off, Happy Father’s Day to all the father’s out there.

The other day, while driving to work I noticed a lot road kill. There was a huge chunk of meat in the middle of the road with blood everywhere. It reminded me of in like 97 or 98 my dad was driving around the country, he was a saleman and traveled, and he hit a 9 point deer. (For those of you that don’t know what that means, it means the deer had 9 points on his antlers *cue the more you know music*)  Which sucked cause that poor poor car. This was on like a Thursday or Friday, Fast Forward to like Monday or Tuesday. We get a call from my brother-in-law, talking about how he went hunting that weekend, and shot a deer. He was so stoked he got a 4 point deer. My dad told him he got a 9 point deer and of course BIL was deflated. My dad told him, he needed to use bigger ammo to get the bigger deer.

My next thought was of a convo with my friend from this weekend. She said when they’re driving around, and see like a dead cat on the side of the road she’s like “awww how sad.” And her husband says “It’s ok, it’s just sleeping.” How cool would that be. Picture it: You see a dead animal, “Awww, how sad.” Then the animal, we’ll say a cat here, gets up and arches it’s back to stretch and then starts licking itself cause ya know it’s covered in blood. But it’s a zombie now, so it sees a person walking along the sidewalk and it says “Meoooowwwww” (cat for brains) and runs after the person and eats em.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I’m Big in Japan

This whole blogging anonymously thing is going to take some getting used to. I find it funny, I started this blog to be able to open up more about stuff I’m not allowed to talk about but yet I want this blog to be funny. I feel a lot of times with other blogs of mine, I try to be funny and fall flat on my face. That my humor doesn’t come through well in the written word.

I’m hilarious in real life. But here you can’t see me jumping up and down, or gesturing or laughing. I want people to read this blog and pee their pants laughing and then go tell friends, “OMG You gotta read this! It’s hilarious!”
Part of my problem is, when I sit down to write a post, I can’t think of any of my funny stories. In real life I can go on and on and on with funny stories. But I also have someone there to talk back to me and remind me of stuff. And one of my funniest stories is on my other blog so I don’t want people to have read it and this and figure out who I am. And really, I’m sure it’s not that funny to read. Now to see me really tell that story, and act it out, hilarious.

Not to get all Full House, awww, on you but, I know I’m just getting this blog started, I just want to say thank you to everyone that has bothered to read it. It means so much to me. I love reading your comments and discovering new blogs through you guys. You all totally rock my face off. I wanna start a blogroll, if you want on it leave me a comment.

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Maxi Cat

I don’t have kids nor right now do I want any. We have a cat furbaby which is more than enough for me. I swear,
our cat things she’s a dog. She rips things up, chews things up, and plays fetch. This pisses the man off. And some
of it I understand, like the multiple times she has chewed through speaker wires. While we are gone, she likes to
rip into loaves of bread and tortillas.

The other day she got into a brand new package of maxi pads. I noticed there were puncture marks in the package as
I was getting ready for work, but didn’t have time to put them away and didn’t think anything of it. Later that night, the
man was cooking dinner and was like “Look in the basement.” All serious like. So I went down, and there were pads
scattered all over the floor. I found it funny, cause really, if you can’t laugh at your cat, who can you laugh at? And it’s
not like she got into the condoms. That happened, I would be pissed. She doesn’t need a tiny human playmate.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Black Pepper and Dead Bodies

I hate ants! Seriously, our kitchen looks like a spice bomb exploded. Pepper, chalk, windex, and dead bodies everywhere.

Somehow we got invaded by ants I dunno, week or two ago. It wasn’t very bad. Now, they are like everywhere. Like, I’m sitting at work and look down at my desk, and there’s one of the like m f’ers walking by like he belongs here.

Like any normal human being, when the ants became crazy, the man of the house, went to the intarwebs to find how to get rid of them. The first thing he found was chalk. And lucky us, we had a piece that had been left on the driveway by some neighborhood kids. So he took that and rubbed in the corner of the door in the kitchen. I’m not sure, but I think that might have just made it more fun for them. Ya know, they see this chalk and get all excited, “wooo they left us some art supplies! Let’s walk in it and draw pretty pictures.” Of course this had to be what happened, because after this they seemed to be more of them.

It got really bad the other night, I made some delicious cookies. I left the bowl I mixed them up in on the counter all night and all the next day while we were out doing our thang. When we got back, the bowl was literally completely filled with ants. I think they thought we were throwing them a party. “Wooo look at this yummy cookie dough remnants! Score!” So when I discovered this party, I was obviously mad and jealous that I wasn’t invited, so I turned it into a pool party, and drowned all those m f’ers.

This is when all of the rest came out to play. There was a conga line along the edge of the floor. So the man looked up at the intarwebs again and saw windex would kill them and pepper was supposed to keep them away. So, I was in the basement watching movies, and could smell all the windex clear down there and was starting to get a buzz. When I walked in the kitchen next, there were dead bodies everywhere. The counter had pepper all over it, the floor had pepper all over it, and the chalk from before had pepper all over.  And yet, the ants remained to march around like they owned the place, which really? If they would just help out with the mortgage and utilities, then it wouldn’t be so bad, but they are free loading and I don’t appreciate it.

So finally late last night we went to the store to get some real ant killer. Of course, I think those ants control the weather, because as soon as we pulled into a parking space at the store, rain started coming down hard. We ran for our lives into the store. Picked out our items and paid. By the time we were done, when I stepped outside the store, the water was already so high it was up to my ankle! The streets were already flooded, and we’d only been in the store *MAYBE* 15 minutes. Those suckers created a flash flood just to try to stop us! It didn’t work, so now we have ant traps set out and they better work.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Best Kept Secret

So I have had tons of other blogs over the years. After starting my newest one, I realize I need one I can be me. With the others I can't because I don't want people that know me to really know me.

I need a place where I can write all my demented little thoughts down. Escape the status quo of memes, photos, and recipes.

So welcome to my little space. Don't mind the boxes, still getting settled. Grab a beer or margarita or whatever your choice beverage is and sit back and enjoy. I am your captain, I am The World's Best Kept Secret.

If you say you hear me knockin what you standin there for
Who I gotta kill or sleep with
Cause I’m the world’s best kept secret (Let me in)
Let me in the door
If you say you hear me knockin what you standin there for
Cause I’m the one that do that music
Ya feel but you still refuse this
Let me in the door