Business 101

Now, I don’t know much about business. I’ve never taken any business classes. But one thing I do know about business, you have to make a profit. To make profit, you have to have some kind of service or product that people want to give you money for. And when you sell this service or product, you have to sell it for more than you obtained or spent on it to make a profit. To stay in business, you must make a profit or get a billion dollar bailout from the government.

Now this seems pretty self explanatory. I imagine this is something you would learn on day one of Business 101. Which brings us to my story. Remember back when I talked about how stupid my co-workers are? Apparently, this concept has not penetrated their thick skulls.

So, there I am sitting at my desk, minding my own business. When I hear Co-worker X tell Co-Worker Z that he just sold a part above cost! At first, I’m like big deal. Isn’t that the point? So I did some digging, and found, lo and behold, he didn’t sell it above cost. Surprise surprise. I mean, we can’t actually expect to make money off our customers, right?

Potty 101

What is with people these days and not properly using he bathroom? Everyday, multiple times a day at work I go to the bathroom and here is toilet paper floating in the toilet. nasty. I don't wanna see your gross used toilet paper. I guess at least it's only toilet paper and no poop, but still I don't wanna see that. Also pretty much everyday at the gym, I have to try several stalls before finding an acceptable one. Several of the stalls either have toilet paper still floating or puddles on the seat or both. The other day there was a puddle bigger than a quarter on the seat with several drops around it. Gross! First I don't see how they got so much on the seat and then to just leave it there. I read customers suck on live journal and there are always stories of people smearing crap all over, people using aisles, trashcans, sinks, parking lots etc for bathroom. My sister used to work in a retail store and people would use the dressing rooms. What is wrong with people?!? And the people that do it to get back at a store for not having a public bathroom is just horrible. The people who make the policy of no public bathrooms are not the ones that have to clean up after you that's just sick and demented. I think every public bathroom should have to have the seat covers. Also people need to prove they can identify acceptable places to use the restroom to graduate elementary and again every couple years like when they renew drivers license or something.

Still Kickin

Hey everyone!!

I am still alive and kicking. I haven’t been in a blogging mood for a long time. I have lots I want to post, just never get around to it. And for some reason I feel I have to have my first post back on a Monday. So many a Monday would come and I not post so then I felt I’d have to wait til the next week and then that wouldn’t happen, so on and so forth. I have also had computer issues. Computers automatically do the update things, and they were causing my lappy to freeze, first if I wasn’t constantly using it then even if I was using it. The man has deleted all updates and set it to not update so hopefully it will continue working. It was driving me nuts not being able to use my lappy regularly.

So I will try to update and comment more.

In closing, here is a pic:

Balls

So a couple years ago they were really popular. I didn’t see them for a while and now I see them occasionally. Balls

Seriously? What the hell people. Why does your truck need balls? It looks ridiculous.

Sing Star

Why does everybody think they are great singers, when they aren’t?
Case in point: American Idol. Probably 90% of the people that try out for that show should not be allowed anywhere near music. Though, that’s the only time I would watch it, if ever. I only like it when everybody sucks, it’s hilarious. When they narrow it down, and there’s actually SOME talent, not entertaining or worth it anymore.

One time I was doing some facebook stalking, and I came across a video of some Asians singing Poker Face. Stereotypically, Asians can’t sing. Case in point: William Hung.  Reality, these people could not sing. It made my ears bleed. Why does every person with a guitar and camera think they can sing? You are not Lady Gaga. Stick to the karaoke bars where at least it can be tolerable with copious amounts of alcohol.

Actually. A guy I work with, he’s probably late forties, walks around singing Lady Gaga. It’s very disturbing. This is a goofy looking guy, bald, 6 foot something, glasses. Though, he is better than the Asians, not saying much. Last week though, he was singing TLC’s No Scrubs. I sometimes get confused about whether I’m in an office at work or the circus.

I used to have a friend, she thought she was the best singer EVER. She was horrible. She claimed she was going to go to Juilliard. I would rather listen to a cat in heat than her. She would always sing along with the radio, but she wouldn’t really know the words so it was just a garbled mess.

The worst part about all this, they actually think they are good. That’s why Simon Cowell was/is awesome. He’s not scared to tell the truth. Lying to these people and sugar coating it doesn’t help anyone. Especially those who have to suffer through their “singing”.

Technorati Tags: Singing,Earplugs,Tone Deaf,Alcohol,Poh Me Anothah,American Idol,Pokeh Face,Lady Gaga,You Can't Sing,No really You can't,Just Stop,Simon Cowell,YouTube

White and Nerdy

I am white, like blindingly so even. I admit, I like some rap. Mainly just whatever’s popular on the radio, Eminem and Tech N9ne. The reactions I get to this are hilarious.

The first experience, was one time me and a friend were driving around with the windows down, I think we were listening to like Nelly or something. Some kind of rap anyway. I pulled up to a stop light. I was the first person in line. The person in the other lane wouldn’t pull up next to us. They were probably about even with my trunk. Cause ya know, two white girls listening to rap are scary business yo.

Another time, I was driving around, windows down, listening to rap again. I drove by this family that was having like a little kids birthday party or something. The dad ran to the end of the drive, all puffed up, like I was going to do a drive by.
Most recently, I was about to pull out of a parking lot. I had the window down and was messing with my iPod cause it was being dumb. So I finally got it to play right, I had on Tech N9ne. There was a black man by a van next to me. When I backed out, he gave me this look like what the hell are you doing listening to Tech?!? It was great.

One time,  in college, I was at a bar. I saw this guy that I went to high school with, but didn’t know. I think I said something to him about going to high school with him. Then my friends and I started dancing. I put my purse down on the floor. After a while, I noticed my purse wasn’t where I left it. That guy was sitting right near where it should have been, so I asked him where it was. This of course meant, “hey you’re black, you must have taken my purse.” Dude. I don’t care what color you are, I just need to know where my monies and stuff are. I found my purse, it must have gotten kicked and wasn’t too far from where I left it.

One time a couple years ago, I went out with, let’s call them Samantha and Steve. We went to this bar. At this bar we met a former NFL player. I had/have no idea who this guy is. Not anyone I’d ever heard of, though I don’t really pay much attention to pro sports. So anyway, we hang out with this NFL star. The bar we were at closed at 2, but bars just across the border closed at 3, so went across the border to continue drinking, Mr NFL came with us. At this other bar, Mr NFL was looking at this girl’s ass. Samantha said something about why he was or something. I said cause she has a big ass, black guys like big butts. This offended Mr NFL, coming from a white girl. So he said something all offended like, what’s that supposed to mean or something. I said my boyfriend is black. Then all the sudden, Mr NFL is all, ah yea home girl knows what it’s all about.

Technorati Tags: NFL,It's Cause I'm Black,Rap,White and Nerdy,White Men Can't Jump,Rollin Wit Da Homies,Bars,Dancing

Huge Savings

Last night we went to Wal-Mart to do some shopping. I saw this price tag:

So, that makes it $1.25 per can, you save a whole penny per can! Wow.

Drink the Kool Aid

Yesterday, Midwestern Mamah  wrote about Fred Phelps and how he can suck it. I commented on it, but had too much to say in a comment so am going to write about him.

I have been to a couple of events that his people have picketed. One being my college graduation. What it appears to me is they just want attention. I think we should all just ignore them and not give them what they want. Another event I went to they were at, was a performance of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Which the only reason I can think they were there, was because the venue holds about 20,000 people. They picketed the high school I went to cause it has a Gay Straight Alliance group. They picketed when President Bush came to speak at the university, not sure if they picketed when Bill Clinton came though. Probably. That’s their style.
Every time I’ve seen them, I haven’t really paid much attention to them, actually none at all. It was more “Oh Phelps is here, meh who cares, they’re dumb.” The times I’ve seen them there has only been like 3 to 5 people there. Pretty pathetic for a protest, really.

I think the worst part of their hatred, is them teaching it to their children. I’ve heard a clip of I believe it was Shirley Phelps-Roper asking a young child what do call a person that something something something. And the child responds “A dyke.” It’s so sad to hear it come out of his mouth cause he doesn’t know any better. They also teach the children to walk on the flag. Shirley Phelps-Roper even wears the flag as a skirt.

A radio station I listen to is friends with a couple of Fred’s granddaughters. One, I believe her name is Libby, actually left the family. She said she went on vacation to like the Caribbean or somewhere and realized that nobody knew who they were there and somehow what they taught was crap. Good for her! Since she left, they talked to one of the other grand daughters, Megan I think, who I believe is like in her mid twenties or so. This woman can’t date, thinks dating is dumb.

From what I can tell, pretty much the only members of this hate group/cult are all members of the Phelps family. What is surprising to me that someone would want to marry into this crazy family. I believe at least one of Fred’s sons that is not associated with the church is gay.

I love the anti-protests people hold when they protest, especially how they wayyyy out number the cult. I saw some pictures of one, where a few of the people dressed as angels. That looked pretty cool. I love the bikers that guard the mourners from them. They’ve been banned from the UK, wish we could ban them from the Earth. Actually, why they haven’t drunk the poison yet is really baffling, as according to them God hates America, Sweden, Canada, Australia, probably every country on Earth, so why would they want to continue to be on this Earth. Just drink the cool-aid and go be with your God.

Technorati Tags: Fred Phelps,Hate,Idiots,Drink the Kool-Aid,Cult,Attention Whores,Patriot Guard,Ban Phelps from Earth,Love,Phelps Suck,Inbreds,Love it or Leave it,Lawyers

Pull My Other Leg, It Plays Jingle Bells

So at the beginning of 2009, I weight 255. Gross. So I decided I needed to lose weight, so I started working out and what not. Now, this isn’t a story about losing weight, so feel free to pick that donut or margarita back up and continue noming.

At some point in the summer, I think it was early summer, I decided to finally use the pool at the apartment. We’d lived there a year and a half at that point. I was going to use it more but well you’ll see why here shortly.
So one day after work, I went to the pool. I did some laps and did my thing. There was this man there that had to be at least twenty years older than I. We talked about different stuff, I don’t really remember, not important. So I mentioned something about working out and needing to lose weight. Oh, at this point I was about 230. And he told me I didn’t need to lose weight, I looked great. I’m just like yea ok whatever. And he then said, “You can’t weigh more than 115.”

Half my weight. There is no way in hell, you could ever think someone weighs only half what they actually do. Now if it had been only like 20lb difference or something, I could see that. But 115 lb difference, no way. I don’t know what he was smoking or trying to pull.

Then he started peeling dead skin off his legs and just letting it go in the pool. So, that was the first and last time I ever used that pool. The skin thing really grossed me out. And that guy was just overall creepy.

Technorati Tags: Weight,Creepy,Old Man,Gross,Swimming,Pool,Not even close,Uhh..No,Who are you trying to kid?,I may have been born on a weekend but it wasn't last weekend,New Glasses

Grammar Nazi

Lately, I’ve seen people complain about grammar and spelling on like twitter and facebook. Normally, I’m it doesn’t bother, but recently it really has, mainly though only through work stuff, cause ya know it should be “professional”.
I used to have this boss that always harped on others being professional. Yet, he was one of the most Unprofessional people ever. He was a stickler for spelling, yet he always spelled stuff wrong. Like, one time he had some pens made for advertising. The pen was supposed to say “Lose the pen and paper” (which how ironic to put on a pen, that you shouldn’t use it anymore.) But what it really said “Loose the pen and paper.”

One time, I emailed a vendor, and he replied back “Thnx”. Seriously. And I got an email, same vendor, different person, they said “they will sent out a new one.” And “Have a happy Firday.” What’s Firday? And how do I have a good one? The man says, Firday is a day when you don’t shave, ewww, how would that be good?!?!

My favorite, was a woman put “they were without NO computers.” On the calendar once…Double negative, so they did have computers, what’s the problem? Salesman are always misspelling words like “electrical” and other words that they use everyday.

People complain that it’s just young people these days that don’t use proper English, which yes it’s true that is a problem. But the people I work with are all old enough to be a parent or grandparent to me!

Technorati Tags: Grammar,Nazi,Grammar Nazi,Spellcheck,Loose,Email

Phones

So after 3 years, I finally got a new phone this weekend.

I went from this:

The Samsung Alias, which when I got the phone, it didn’t have a name yet. It was the u740 or something like that.

To this:

The Samsung Intensity 2. It’s so awesome. My calls are all clear and awesome now. The other one worked well..enough. But a couple months or so ago, I spilled water on it so my calls were staticy. Though they took my old phone and new phone in the back “to move over the contacts.” When I got my phones back, they hadn’t been. Jerks. 

Suck It

So originally, I was going to post about the crazy lady in Manhattan that is a dumb bitch and refused to tell Starbucks how she wanted the bagel she ordered. But then Midwestern Mamah posted about that yesterday on her segment Suck a Fart.

I have my own person that needs to suck a fart. My neighbor. He is so immature, parties every night, loud, obnoxious, and unemployed. At one point he tried to tell us that because of his age he does this, but he’s only a year younger than I am. I have a full time job, I don’t have to drink and do drugs and play loud music every night.

Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, he was shooting off fireworks! I’m surprised nobody called the cops on him. The man doesn’t want to call the cops on them because he doesn’t want them to do anything to our property. Fireworks are only legal July 1 – 5, as far as I know, at least where I grew up it was, might not be here. Anyway it’s wayyyy past.

One night while trying to sleep he had his music blaring, it sounded like a frickin helicopter. The man went out to ask him to turn it down. He was sitting outside, “Ohh man I wasn’t even listening to it har.” Yea, well we have to, dumbass. I say dumbass a lot when talking about him. Imagine Red Foreman saying it. So Neighbor SUCK A FART OUT OF MY ASS!!

And one of the Do’s on the list, was post lots of pics. So here is one I forgot to post yesterday:

This is an actual statue at the St Louis Zoo. Somebody really likes monkeys.

Technorati Tags: Monkeys,Suck It,Damn Neighbors,Fireworks,Keep It Down,Old Woman,St Louis,Monkey Blow Job,Starbucks,Lady Be Crazy,Parties,Employed,Adult

Welcome Wednesday

So I was reading a blog today about Do's and Don'ts of blogging. And I disagreed with one point. I had written a big long post about it, but I'm not going to post it. I’ll sum it up. It said “Don’t be vulgar. That turns people off.” I would strongly disagree as I know many “famous” bloggers and blogs I love that would probably be considered vulgar, but that’s who they are and they are amazing.  I was going to list a couple, but now I’m like, “OMG what if they see this and are like yuck why is this dumb person mentioning me.” Though I doubt they would cause they all seem super awesome and love to hang out with them in real life. So if you want names, I’ll list them next time.

Anyway. When I got home I got on facebook, I saw someone on my friends list mentioned a site they found that was amazing. I found this site and wow. It is great. It’s Operation Beautiful. What an amazing idea. More people definitely need to be told this. My man always tells me, and after so many years of hearing the opposite I always disagree. I want to pass on the message. Sometime soon I will. I think I’ll start with posting notes at the gym!

 

Technorati Tags: Welcome,Welcome Wednesday,Wednesday,Follow Me,I need friends,I'm lonely,Operation Beautiful,Vulgar,Love

Huge Disappointment

Several times I’ve gone to the gym and see this:

A van?….a car?…a vehicle of some sort with Bud Light on the side. The first couple of times I saw it, it got my hopes up. Free Beer? Inside? Yes maam. Only to get in there and no free beer. WTH! What kind of *GYM* doesn’t give offer free beer to it’s clients? Not one I wanna be part of! So once I find a gym that gives free beer and cookies, I’m soooo switching gyms.

To make matters worse…Last Wednesday, I went into the locker room and opened a locker to put my stuff in and this is what I found:

An EMPTY bottle of rum. WTH am I going to do with an empty bottle of rum?!?! I love rum. This was just cruel. I’ve never had Orchard Cherry Rum before and there they are just teasing me showing me what I am missing.

I need to find a better gym with more booze.

Technorati Tags: Rum,Bacardi,Orchard Cherry,Cherry Rum,Why is all the rum gone?!?!,Beer,Free Beer,Bud Light,Anhauser Busch,Gym,Locker Room,More people would go to the gym if it offered free beer and cookies,Sloshed,Workin on my fitness,Forget six pack abs,I want a whole case,Why is the rum ALWAYS gone?

Tampons

So, I’m probably a bad woman for this, but I don’t keep track of when my period comes. Mostly because it comes a couple days before or after the time it did the previous month.

So yesterday, I kind of got caught off guard by it. I did have a pad in my bag, so when I noticed it, I used that. At work, there’s a big box of tampons that I use. But not even thinking when I left the building to go to the other office, I didn’t grab one. I thought of this as I was driving to the other building, but of course wasn’t going to turn around to grab one. I figured there would be a tampon machine in the bathrooms there since what public building bathrooms don’t. So I didn’t think anything of it. I get there, go to the bathroom, no tampon machine. As I’m leaving for the day, I use the other bathroom, maybe there was one there. Nope.

I had been planning on doing some swimming as part of my cardio at the gym for the day, but was starting to look like I’d have to change my plans. But, I thought to myself, surely the gym would have a tampon machine. There’s probably hundreds of people through there a day and it’s public and there’s a pool. So, I figured I might still be able to swim. I get to the gym and go into the locker room and look in the toilet area and on all walls in the locker room. No tampon. WTH! What is wrong with all of these places?!? How could they NOT have a tampon machine.

I had to ditch the pad to, no way could I work out in that thing. So of course there was lots of blood in my brand new underwear when I got home.  At least they were pink so it wasn’t too bad, but still! All public bathrooms should have a tampon machine and those paper seat covers.

Technorati Tags: Tampons,Gym,Period,Pads Suck,TMI

Dog Barbecue Sauce

The other night we were at the grocery store, and I noticed, I believe it was called “Dog Sauce.”

Now this confused me greatly. Shouldn’t this be in the Korean or Asian aisle? Sauce to put on your dog meat. If so, do Korean’s only have one kind of sauce for their dog? I would think it would be more like when you go to a Chinese Buffet, and they have walnut chicken, sweet and sour, orange, and so on and so forth. Tens of types of sauce for chicken.  Though, it did specify between puppies and dogs, so apparently you have to a different kind of sauce. Obviously the puppy meat would be a lot more tender so it would be more of a milder sauce. (I’ve been to a Great City BBQ once, I know this stuff).  I would also think a puppy sauce would be sweeter, as they are innocent and haven’t had much time to get into a lot of trouble.

Or if it’s for your dog to eat, why? Dogs lick their butts, why do we need to make their food taste better?!? They drink from the toilet. They sniff each other’s butts. So I think it’s safe to say, their palates are not very refined and necessitate fine dining. Yes, I know barbecue isn’t really fine dining, but for a dog, it is. And it depends on where ya live, I live near a city that is known for it’s barbecue. When has a dog ever said to you, “Hey, my food is a little dry and bland, I need some sauce to put on it.”

Technorati Tags: Dogs,Barbecue,BBQ,Barbecue Sauce,They lick their butts,Puppy,Refined Palate

News

I don’t watch the news very often, ok really at all, at least not by choice.
I have discovered recently, that this is a very good thing, as news reporters are dumb.

The other day I was in the locker room at the gym getting changed (hrmm..seems I talk a lot about the locker room recently. Maybe it would help more if I used the gym equipment and not just go hang out in the locker room.) and the news was on. I heard the news lady say “A teen was arrested. The mother had the money for bail and didn’t pay it. Is this bad parenting?” I’m like WTH! Why would you ever ask that?!?! It’s not like she’s the first parent to do so and hopefully parents don’t start thinking it’s bad to leave them in there because of trash like this. My brother got arrested and just left in jail. Kids need to learn a lesson and bailing them out doesn’t do it. I can’t believe that would be said.

And then the other night, we were watching tv and the show we were watching ended and before we turned the channel saw some of the news. It was talking about they were closing a couple of the lanes on the highway this weekend to fix pot holes. They had a guy bitching about the lanes being closed. I’m sure it’s one of the same people bitching there are pot holes too. At least they close it on the weekend when there’s less traffic that has to get to work and slowing down rush hour. Though it was amazing to see both days, the idiots that still tried to go that way and the traffic wayyy backed up. Saturday we’d gone out and knew to avoid that way of the highway and came back on the highway.  Some people just aren’t happy unless they are bitching.

Death Cat

So lately, every once in a while, the cat has started waking me up super early to cuddle.

Now I had always wanted a cat that would sleep with me, since I was really little. Now, it just creeps me out.

We’ve had the cat since January and this cuddling this is new just about a week or two. The reason it creeps me out is you’ve all probably heard about those cats that live in old people’s homes that predict people’s deaths? If not go here

So this cat would go to people’s rooms and lay on them a couple hours before they died. So with this sudden wanting to be near me, I can’t help but to think, she’s predicting my death. That I will die somehow later that day.
So far, I haven’t died…That I know of anyway. Though I’m pretty sure I haven’t as I’ve never met a zombie that could type. And I don’t have a craving for brains. Though, with the people I work with and share the road with, brains are definitely lacking, so maybe it could be one of those things where the people I’m around don’t have brains so it doesn’t elicit any cravings for them. So if I went to like NASA or somewhere super smart people work, I would go into a frenzy.

I don’t think I’ve died, I haven’t seen any super bright lights either. Except at night on the highway, and I can’t get to those as there’s a cement barrier on the highway, I wouldn’t want to hurt my car. I also haven’t seen Jennifer Love, Chip Coffey, Amy Bruni, Kris Williams, Grant Wilson, Jason Hawes, Dave Tango, or Steve Gonsalves hanging around. Though, that part would be hella cool and I wish that would happen. They all seem like really nice cool people.

Technorati Tags: Ghost Hunters,Death Cat,Soul Stealer,Kris Williams,Amy Bruni,Jason Hawes,Grant Wilson,Chip Coffey,Steve Gonsalves,Dave Tango,Dead,Go into the Light,Brains,Zombie,Cat,Sleep,Cuddles,Too Early,Wet Nose

The Lights are on but nobody’s home

So like I’ve mentioned, people at work are dumb.

The newest fad, leaving the lights off in offices.  I hate this. I don’t have an office. But the one manager, told another “cause it’s cool.” Well the second regarded this as in temperature, when I heard it said I thought as in hip. “They’re going green” GAY.

It’s so annoying cause the lights on is a sign the person is actually here. So now it’s like, oh so and so is gone, walk by and their talking on the phone or whatever. ARGH. I’ve discussed this with other, smarted people than I am surrounded by at work, heat rises, turning off the lights doesn’t affect it. But then again person 2 is very easy and can be talked into anything.  Person 2 has claimed, oh yea it really is a lot cooler in here with the lights off.” Though, for me, I’m always freezing in the office and wearing a jacket.

Technorati Tags: Idiots,Green,Lights Out,Freezing,Offices,Cool,Hip,Hipster

So cruel

Sorry, I suck at titles.

So ya know what’s kinda ironic but totally cruel?

Having restaurants near like gyms and weight loss places.

I drive home from the gym and have to drive by a million restaurants. Sometimes it smells soooo good. And so evil. I feel my arties clogging just from the smell.

It’s cruel to the people working out cause they as they are going in the gym or coming out, smell all the amazing smells. And thus are more likely to go eat there. Cause hey! I just worked out, I can afford the calories. Or they don’t eat it and are just like, man that smells sooo good. Smells a lot better than the celery I’m going to have for dinner.

Cruel to the people eating cause it’s like hey there fatty. You just ate all that really shitty food and you should come in a burn it off. You’re a disgusting slob that doesn’t care about your health.

In Capital City there was a plaza with a pizza buffet and Chinese buffet with a like Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers or something like that. I know it certainly made me feel bad coming out of the pizza buffet.

Bastards.

Technorati Tags: Weight Loss,Working Out,Restaurants,Fast Food,Buffet,Chinese,Gym,Cruelty

Could you drive any better with that phone shoved up your ass?!?!

I would like to make a PSA:

WHEN WEATHER CONDITIONS PERMIT, GO THE FRICKIN SPEED LIMIT. This afternoon as I was driving to the gym from work, I got stuck behind a woman going 40, in a 65. Seriously?!?! There was absolutely no reason to go that slow. There was a ton of space between them and the car in front of them. I have always said, if you are too scared to go the speed limit in good conditions, get off the damn road!

I hate driving. I really do. I wouldn’t want to give to give it up cause of the freedom and what not. But some people really just should not be behind the wheel. Put down the damn phone, stop texting and drive. Every time someone is going slow or swerving they are always messing with the phone.

One time a couple years ago, I was driving home from work, traffic was backed up going the opposite direction. In the middle of of the backup, there was a person with their hazards on. They weren’t pulled over or anything, just sitting in traffic with hazards. At first when I saw this, I thought, hmm, that’s kinda weird. Then as I thought about, I realized it’s actually a good idea. If all the shitty drivers had to drive with hazards on, how awesome that would be? Then you would know who the idiots to look out for are.

Though sometimes, you really can predict these idiots. One time I was driving to work and I saw this person switch lanes like 4 times, getting closer to me. And sure enough, they started to come into my lane right, when they were right next to me. Idiot.

So what I need is someone to drive me around. They would have to wait for me and be there to pick me up immediately. I always hated waiting for my dad to pick me up from school. So any volunteers? I can’t afford to pay you more than in love and appreciation, but really? What more do you need in life?

Technorati Tags: Driving,Assholes,Traffic,Speed Limit,Hang Up and Drive,Texting,Cell Phones,Hazards,Personal Driver Wanted

Modesty…pfft

So I’m not really too conservative but sometimes…

So like normal, I went to the gym after work. I walked into the locker room, and the first thing I see? A woman standing at the trashcan wearing only a bikini bottoms. So this part not too disturbing, was like eh whatever. But the 5 – 10 minutes I was in there changing clothes, she was just standing there almost naked. She did some stretching, some squats, rubbed lotion all over her body and checking herself out in the mirror.

Wow..I sound like a real creeper. I wasn’t staring, it was hard not to see. I guess at least she wasn’t fat. But still who just stands there staring at themselves in a public locker room for like 10 minutes.

Though, it reminds me of when my grandma lived with us. One day I had taken a shower and then dyed my hair. I decided to just leave the towel on until it was time to rinse it out, and rinse it out in the shower. So I was walking through the kitchen where my grandma and dad were watching tv, to go downstairs to the shower. Now my grandma hated me for whatever reason and wouldn’t talk if I was in the room. So as soon as I was out of her sight, I heard her tell my dad, “She doesn’t dress very modestly.” So of course my dad was like, “She’s taking a shower, what do you think she should be fully dressed?” Apparently.

Or when my mom bought me a spaghetti strap tank top and I was wearing it then she had a cow. “OMG What are you wearing?!? You need to put on more clothes.”

Of course there are going to be naked people in a locker room, but discretion people.  You change as quickly as possible and get on.

Vaginas

So one night me and the man were watching Family Guy, when it was over, before we had a chance to change the channel The Doctors came on. We normally don’t watch it, but this night, I got sucked into by the topic.

There was a woman that was asking about her vagina. She said something like her man said he loves the smell of her vagina but she didn’t think it really smelled good. And so asking if it was possible for a man to like the smell of a woman’s vagina. I’m pretty sure that doctor man said that men do like the smell of vagina.

Now, being a woman and having been in a public women’s bathroom pretty much everyday, I find this perplexing. Ya know sometimes you go in a the previous woman’s vagina smell is still hanging in the air, and it is NASTY. I dunno, maybe it’s just because I’m not a man that I think it’s gross, but I really don’t think so. I don’t see how any human on earth good like that smell.

Is the opposite true too? Are women attracted to the smell of a man’s penis? I know I’ve never been like “Wow! That Penis smells awesome!” Maybe it’s just me or maybe vaginas are just so much better than penis’, that they even smell better.

Technorati Tags: Vaginas,Vaginas Smell,Penis,Attraction,The Doctors,Vaginas are better

Dicks.

I was feeling really good about myself this past Friday morning. Fridays, someone brings doughnuts to work. I was able control myself and not have one this morning. A couple of the guys were like oh it’s ok have one. I was like If I had one then I would have to spend another hour working out at the gym. And actually later, I was tempted to have one, I looked in the box, and had absolutely no desire to have one. They didn’t look good at all to me. Which is amazing, as there was a sprinkle doughnut, and that has been my weakness. Any other type of doughnut I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash at, but sprinkles I would always cave and eat it. Today, no desire what so ever to eat it.

Then I needed to get away from my desk, so I went to the other building to eat lunch. As I was sitting there eating in a cube hidden from view, I hear those same old men talking. “You see the size of her lunch box? Man, she’ s really going to need to go to the gym after eating that.” That hurt so much. What was in my lunch box? I had a Hot Pocket Panini, grapes, broccoli, and string cheese. Total about 400 calories.”

Dicks.

That totally shattered me.  The one thing that actually made me fell good today, and they had to ruin it.

GPS Woes

So  one reason I have been away from my blog for a while is vacation. So of course we had the GPS to tell us where to go, but sometimes, it was frustrating. Like the first night, we decided to go see Knight and Day and used the GPS to get to the theater. Started out North on highway X, no prob. It said to exit onto East highway Y, alright. Then, it tells us to exit on to South highway X, what the…. Then it tells us to exit onto West highway Y, WTF. Seriously. It had us drive in a big four leaf clover. Why didn’t it just say West Highway Y to begin with!?!?!  It would say crazy stuff like “Exit in 2 Miles.” But the screen said the exit was in 1 mile, and signs on the highway said 1mile. Driving home it was just highway Z all the way, pretty easy. One point I was asleep, and the GPS told the man to get off on some exit….uhhh no.
This reminds me of all those stories you read in the news about people listening solely to the GPS and not paying attention to the road. So like the GPS says “Turn right here.” Where there’s no road, but they do what it says anyways and drive off a cliff. Though now I think about it, I think that’s a good help to Darwinism. It’s sad all the stupid warnings on stuff, because people have actually done them. It makes me sad how stupid people are these days. It reminds me of how parents always used to say “If your friends jumped off a bridge would you too?” Apparently the modern version is, “If your GPS told you to jump off a cliff, would you?” And surprisingly the answer is yes, yes they would. “Well if the little magic talking direction box says I should turn there, it must know better than me. Har.”

The Joys of Womanhood

So a couple months back, I did a 30 day trial of vegetarianism. I did it in hopes of losing some weight. The first two weeks were exciting, I lost 2 pounds each week. Then after that, I gained it back. During this time I ate a lot of Boca burgers. I learned something, Boca burgers have estrogen. I’m not sure if it’s added or just natural from the soy. So all this extra estrogen, I had a really heavy period during this time. The next couple were really light as I didn’t have that estrogen to boost anymore. Without even thinking, I started eating the Boca burgers again. We had them, they needed to be eaten, I ate them.  I just happened to eat them when I was on one of those really super light periods. This caused my period to last 2 weeks. TWO FRICKING WEEKS!#$@)$%#!%&#$()@%  My period had started on a Saturday and was super light. The following Friday, it got super heavy and lasted another week.

This scared me. Just in the way that, omg did boca burgers f’ me up completely? Will I ever have a normal period again without having to take estrogen? Did my body get lazy and just say hey sweet I don’t have to do this for myself anymore?

Then I got my current period. And it is completely normal! Yay. When I started I expected it to do what seemed to become the norm, and super light. Like it was so light, nothing ever came out onto underwear or pad. So after work, I went to the gym. When I was done my underwears were bloody, good thing I was wearing red shorts.

Which reminds me of when I was probably 12 or so and just starting to get periods. I had gone to the open house at the local college and was helping out with some animals. So most of the day I was straddling this hay bail. I got there probably about 7am. About noonish I went to the bathroom, and realized I started my period and the crotch was completely red. I had been sitting with my legs wide open all morning. I was wearing white sweats. I didn’t have any money on me to get a pad. I asked my friends little brother to borrow 50 cents. He was like “oh you want to get a tattoo” or some other stupid little thing. I just kinda grinned, oh yea of course. So I put a pad in, tied my sweatshirt around my waist and kept my legs closed the rest of the day.  

Gravel on the Road

Happy Canada Day for everyone in Canada!
Happy 4th of July to everyone in the states!

In honor of everyone that is traveling this holiday I wanted to share a story.

I used to have a friend, let’s call her Hailey. Hailey was a pathological liar and actually I think frenemy is a better term for her. I know she talked shit about me behind my back, and well I talked shit about her behind her back.

So several years ago she had some kind of Ford Focus. The sports car edition, whatever that is. So one day all of the sudden, we noticed she no longer has this car. Her story: She wrecked it. She was driving down Popular Street, going about 5 under the speed limit, and at one point the street curves. At this curve apparently there was some gravel. So as she was taking this curve and hit the gravel and rolled her car, totaling it.

Seriously? Man said this same road, he would take to and from work too, and there was no gravel. And even if there was? There’s no way there would be enough to wreck your car. This was a highly used road, no way there would be a ton of gravel on it.

What we are pretty sure, what happened: She’s poor. Her family is poor. This was a car no way they could afford. It got repo’ed!

So moral of the story, watch for gravel when traveling. Call the State’s DOT and make sure the sweep all roads you will be traveling on so that you don’t roll your car.

Technorati Tags: 4th of July,Canada Day,Independence Day,Ford Focus,Gravel,Rolled,Rollin,Sports Car,Totaled,Liars,Frenemy,LIEEEESSSSSSS,Repo

Boobs

Yea, I suck at tittles. Though this should get a lot of hits ha.

I take some dance classes. Saturday was the last class until fall, so I was reminded of the first class of the spring.

So, the first class started on the first day of spring. The last few weeks of winter were awesome, it was around the 80’s. The first day of spring hits, and it frickin snows!

So I wake up at like 8 or 9, the class was at 11. I threw on some clothes to lounge around in and read some blogs. I kinda lost track of time, cause next thing I know it’s almost 10:30 and I needed to leave since snow and wasn’t exactly sure where the studio was.

So I grab my bag and run out the door. I get several blocks away and suddenly think to myself, “Huh, that’s weird. My boobs feel weird.” I put my hand on my boobs, and realize, I am not wearing a bra. SHIT.So I turn around and call the man and ask him to meet me in the driveway and bring a bra.

Luckily, the roads weren’t too bad, so I was able to race to the studio. I got there and had to pay. So I stayed bundled up and paid, then discreetly ask where the bathroom is, and slip into the bathroom to put it on. That could have been bad. Imagine I hadn’t noticed til I got there, then it would have been to late and would have had to dance without a bra.

Technorati Tags: Bra,Dance,Snow,Spring,Boobs

Shots

This weekend, we went out with some friends, had a couple of drinks. Which reminded me of one time in college.

My senior year, to celebrate finals being over, some friends and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner. There were probably about 10 of us there, I didn’t know everybody. The chick sitting on my left, ordered a lemon drop shot. She did her shot then had the shot glass sitting there. At some point, my friend’s daughter, who was probably about a year and a half old at the time decided to come sit on this girl’s lap. She saw the shot glass, and hey! Perfect kid size! She picked it up and licked the inside. The look on her face was priceless! She looked over at me, which I had nothing to do with that shot, and gave me a look like how dare you let me do that!

And for a stupid coworker:

One time I was at the copier, I made two copies of what I had. Before I had the chance to clear out the two or anything, Hen 2 came up to make a copy, put her paper in and pressed enter. She only wanted one copy, so when the second came out, she was baffled. She looked at me and laughed, ha ha that’s so weird it printed 2. Crazy. I just nodded and smiled, thinking yea…crazy…since that’s what you told it to print. Weird how machines do what we tell them to.

I have the smartest car evar

So, I have the smartest car ever. One day on the way home from work, I was listening to some mixed cd I had made. I
really paying attention to what was playing, so had no idea where it stopped when I got out. When I got in my car the next
morning to go to work, I turned on the engine and the first thing out of the speakers is “Man, I just hate stupid people.” I was
in absolute shock. My car knew I was going to work and be surrounded by stupid people! Amazing!
So the people I work with are useless and dumb, putting it nicely. And for the most part I can’t stand the stupid, it gives me headaches and I’m really bad at pretending to like them. So one morning, as I was driving to work, I got to thinking, if I’m nicer and talk to them more, then I will hear more of their stupidness that I can blog about. I’ve struck blogging gold! I’ve got a couple good stories, but first I will take a couple of posts to describe some of the players.
First off, we have the Hens. The Hens are a couple of ladies that are old enough to be my mom or grandma. They don’t like me because I am a younger woman and part of my job is to ask them question about their job. They get very defensive about this and glare at me all the time. So a while ago, an email was sent out saying email should only be for work business (duh), and nothing religious or political should be sent out through the work email. So basically, no more forwards. Well, Hen 1 continued to send forwards after this. When reminded of this she said, “I don’t send forwards. I copy and paste into a new email, so it’s not a forward.” *bangs head on desk*
I know that’s not much idiocy for this post, but i will have many many more posts.

Technorati Tags: Work,Stupid,Idiots,ID 10 T Errors,Smart Car,Man I hate stupid people,I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter

I Should Probably Stay Away From Gardening….and Children

So, as I said before, all I have is a furbaby. Honestly, we’re too inappropriate to have a real baby.

Case and point: One time we were at Target looking at the outdoor furniture. I think it started with talk of our neighbor’s kids and how annoying they are. So I said that we should plant dildos in the front yard so they would be scared away and not play in it, or at the least the parents wouldn’t allow them to play near our yard again. We continued to walk around the store talking about these dildos, the section next to the patio furniture? Yea, kids toys. So we’re walking by still talking about dildos as we walk by families and kids. Nice, huh?

Conclusion: The children would probably steal the dildos and take them home to their moms. The mom’s would be shocked and take the dildos from the kids, and come yell at us for exposing their precious little angels to this evil. Then after yelling at us they would go home, lock themselves in their room, and enjoy. And I’m out of all those dildos I planted!

It’s ok, He’s Just Sleeping

Technorati Tags: Road Kill,Deer,Kitty,Bigger Ammo,Hunting

So, first off, Happy Father’s Day to all the father’s out there.

The other day, while driving to work I noticed a lot road kill. There was a huge chunk of meat in the middle of the road with blood everywhere. It reminded me of in like 97 or 98 my dad was driving around the country, he was a saleman and traveled, and he hit a 9 point deer. (For those of you that don’t know what that means, it means the deer had 9 points on his antlers *cue the more you know music*)  Which sucked cause that poor poor car. This was on like a Thursday or Friday, Fast Forward to like Monday or Tuesday. We get a call from my brother-in-law, talking about how he went hunting that weekend, and shot a deer. He was so stoked he got a 4 point deer. My dad told him he got a 9 point deer and of course BIL was deflated. My dad told him, he needed to use bigger ammo to get the bigger deer.

My next thought was of a convo with my friend from this weekend. She said when they’re driving around, and see like a dead cat on the side of the road she’s like “awww how sad.” And her husband says “It’s ok, it’s just sleeping.” How cool would that be. Picture it: You see a dead animal, “Awww, how sad.” Then the animal, we’ll say a cat here, gets up and arches it’s back to stretch and then starts licking itself cause ya know it’s covered in blood. But it’s a zombie now, so it sees a person walking along the sidewalk and it says “Meoooowwwww” (cat for brains) and runs after the person and eats em.

I’m Big in Japan

This whole blogging anonymously thing is going to take some getting used to. I find it funny, I started this blog to be able to open up more about stuff I’m not allowed to talk about but yet I want this blog to be funny. I feel a lot of times with other blogs of mine, I try to be funny and fall flat on my face. That my humor doesn’t come through well in the written word.

I’m hilarious in real life. But here you can’t see me jumping up and down, or gesturing or laughing. I want people to read this blog and pee their pants laughing and then go tell friends, “OMG You gotta read this! It’s hilarious!”
Part of my problem is, when I sit down to write a post, I can’t think of any of my funny stories. In real life I can go on and on and on with funny stories. But I also have someone there to talk back to me and remind me of stuff. And one of my funniest stories is on my other blog so I don’t want people to have read it and this and figure out who I am. And really, I’m sure it’s not that funny to read. Now to see me really tell that story, and act it out, hilarious.

Not to get all Full House, awww, on you but, I know I’m just getting this blog started, I just want to say thank you to everyone that has bothered to read it. It means so much to me. I love reading your comments and discovering new blogs through you guys. You all totally rock my face off. I wanna start a blogroll, if you want on it leave me a comment.

Technorati Tags: Sap,Love,Blogroll,Hilarious,Clown

Maxi Cat

I don’t have kids nor right now do I want any. We have a cat furbaby which is more than enough for me. I swear,
our cat things she’s a dog. She rips things up, chews things up, and plays fetch. This pisses the man off. And some
of it I understand, like the multiple times she has chewed through speaker wires. While we are gone, she likes to
rip into loaves of bread and tortillas.

The other day she got into a brand new package of maxi pads. I noticed there were puncture marks in the package as
I was getting ready for work, but didn’t have time to put them away and didn’t think anything of it. Later that night, the
man was cooking dinner and was like “Look in the basement.” All serious like. So I went down, and there were pads
scattered all over the floor. I found it funny, cause really, if you can’t laugh at your cat, who can you laugh at? And it’s
not like she got into the condoms. That happened, I would be pissed. She doesn’t need a tiny human playmate.

Black Pepper and Dead Bodies

Technorati Tags: Ants,Dead Bodies,Windex,Invaded,Pool Party,Black Pepper,Chalk

I hate ants! Seriously, our kitchen looks like a spice bomb exploded. Pepper, chalk, windex, and dead bodies everywhere.

Somehow we got invaded by ants I dunno, week or two ago. It wasn’t very bad. Now, they are like everywhere. Like, I’m sitting at work and look down at my desk, and there’s one of the like m f’ers walking by like he belongs here.

Like any normal human being, when the ants became crazy, the man of the house, went to the intarwebs to find how to get rid of them. The first thing he found was chalk. And lucky us, we had a piece that had been left on the driveway by some neighborhood kids. So he took that and rubbed in the corner of the door in the kitchen. I’m not sure, but I think that might have just made it more fun for them. Ya know, they see this chalk and get all excited, “wooo they left us some art supplies! Let’s walk in it and draw pretty pictures.” Of course this had to be what happened, because after this they seemed to be more of them.

It got really bad the other night, I made some delicious cookies. I left the bowl I mixed them up in on the counter all night and all the next day while we were out doing our thang. When we got back, the bowl was literally completely filled with ants. I think they thought we were throwing them a party. “Wooo look at this yummy cookie dough remnants! Score!” So when I discovered this party, I was obviously mad and jealous that I wasn’t invited, so I turned it into a pool party, and drowned all those m f’ers.

This is when all of the rest came out to play. There was a conga line along the edge of the floor. So the man looked up at the intarwebs again and saw windex would kill them and pepper was supposed to keep them away. So, I was in the basement watching movies, and could smell all the windex clear down there and was starting to get a buzz. When I walked in the kitchen next, there were dead bodies everywhere. The counter had pepper all over it, the floor had pepper all over it, and the chalk from before had pepper all over.  And yet, the ants remained to march around like they owned the place, which really? If they would just help out with the mortgage and utilities, then it wouldn’t be so bad, but they are free loading and I don’t appreciate it.

So finally late last night we went to the store to get some real ant killer. Of course, I think those ants control the weather, because as soon as we pulled into a parking space at the store, rain started coming down hard. We ran for our lives into the store. Picked out our items and paid. By the time we were done, when I stepped outside the store, the water was already so high it was up to my ankle! The streets were already flooded, and we’d only been in the store *MAYBE* 15 minutes. Those suckers created a flash flood just to try to stop us! It didn’t work, so now we have ant traps set out and they better work.

Best Kept Secret

So I have had tons of other blogs over the years. After starting my newest one, I realize I need one I can be me. With the others I can't because I don't want people that know me to really know me.

I need a place where I can write all my demented little thoughts down. Escape the status quo of memes, photos, and recipes.

So welcome to my little space. Don't mind the boxes, still getting settled. Grab a beer or margarita or whatever your choice beverage is and sit back and enjoy. I am your captain, I am The World's Best Kept Secret.

If you say you hear me knockin what you standin there for
Who I gotta kill or sleep with
Cause I’m the world’s best kept secret (Let me in)
Let me in the door
If you say you hear me knockin what you standin there for
Cause I’m the one that do that music
Ya feel but you still refuse this
Let me in the door